Letters and Pictures
by Tygercat2
Summary: One of the Reagan brothers is getting married. He tells his fiancé to write him a letter, and he'll do the same. Today is their wedding day, and they're taking a minute to read them. They both discuss their heartbreak, and how they got to this day.


**A/N: I always imagined this story as if Joe had lived, and what would happen. It works for Jamie as well though. This story is not all fluff, so don't worry :)**

**I do not own Blue Bloods.**

I looked in the mirror. All my bridesmaids had left the room. They were going to give us a few minutes alone. Last night we had each written a letter to each other. He told me that at some point today we would read them.

I heard a knock on the door and walked over to open it. The photographer stepped in, "Ready?"

I nodded, "Where are we going to read them?"

"Right across the door from each other. He said that this door would be perfect."

I smiled. I loved this type of wood. I didn't know why, but I always thought it was pretty. I opened it so we could both be in the room at the same time.

The photographer peeked out the door, "Go ahead and lean against it." Then she said the same to me. "Do you have the envelopes?"

I nodded. I kissed it, and handed it to him.

**His POV**

We handed them across the door, and I grabbed her hand. "Ready?" I whispered to her.

It was a few seconds before I heard her reply, "Since the moment you said nothing else mattered except us."

I smiled. I had said that on our first date. I was surprised she remembered. I took her envelope, and let go of her hand.

**Her POV**

He let go of my hand, and I pulled it back from the door. The photographer stood in front of the doorframe, letting us have this moment. I looked at the front, and it said, "My darling" in French. I laughed; I had written the same on his.

I started to read the letter.

_Love,_

_The moment I asked you to write a letter to me I knew what I wanted to say to you; I just didn't know how to phrase it. You are always so elegant with words and you don't even try. The day I brought you to meet my family they said the same. You were great with my nephews; they loved you instantly. And Nicki just adored you. She was amazed when you told her you worked at the UN. She wanted to ask you so many questions on that first day, and still does. _

_But that's not what we're supposed to write about, right? Whoever said we had to be separated the night before the wedding ought to be shot. It's only been a few hours, and already I need you. I need to hear you in the room next to me, sighing with frustration at your latest case. I need you next to me, absentmindedly playing with the hem of my shirt. I need you laughing next to me while we watch late night TV. I need you to finish off my scotch, and let me have some of your wine. I poured a glass of each tonight, and I'm guessing you're doing the same._

I laughed; I had. It was amazing how well he knew me.

_I love you more than you know. I love you more than you think. I love you more than I thought a person could ever love somebody. Hell, I love you more than I can comprehend. But you know that. You always know what I can't put into words. You always know what I need. _

_Like that time last year when I was caught in the car explosion. I vaguely remember the ambulance ride on the way to the hospital. You were on the phone, calling the best surgeons you know. You didn't even know what was wrong with me yet, and you were making sure there were people ready to save my life. When they discharged me, and you went to get the car, I asked the doctor what would have happened if you hadn't done that. He gave me a pat on the shoulder, and said that my girl had saved my life._

I stifled a sob at that. We both knew the dangers of the other's job, but that didn't make it any easier. And I guess I hadn't realized he was that bad when we got to the hospital that day.

_You have no clue how proud of you I was at that moment. I remember you had had tears streaming down your face so hard you could barely talk on the phone, but you saved my life. I wanted to make love to you so hard right then and there when the doctor told me that, but I knew you wouldn't want to know. You never like it when people say you saved them, or that they are indebted to you, but I truly am; and not only for that day. For the day you talked my partner out of eating his gun, the day you brought Linda to her doctor when Danny asked me to in the first place, and the day you introduced me to your father._

I felt a tear run down my face. I put a hand to my mouth so he couldn't hear me cry.

_You always said you never wanted to see him again, but you gave him a chance so I could meet him. You didn't want my opinion of him forced upon me, even after all the things he's done to you. I'm still not sure how I should feel about him, but it meant the world to me all the same. _

_When you were taken from me I nearly died. They made you call me, and watch as you told me their demands. I could see you. You were so strong baby girl; I nearly ran to you no matter the consequences. Then when we finally found you, I cried. I still don't know if you were aware of what happened, or even remember being saved. _

There were splotches on the paper at this point. I couldn't tell which ones were from me, and which ones were from him.

_When you got up to walk out of there, I nearly collapsed. After all you had been through, you still wanted to do more. Then, when you miscarried and we lost the baby, I nearly died again. You collapsed in pain, and cried out for me. I picked you up, and ran to the ambulance. _

I lowered myself to the ground, or else I would collapse. I felt his hand come around and reach for mine. I grabbed his, and squeezed it. I didn't know which part he was on but I simply said, "Keep reading." He squeezed back and we continued.

_Then in the hospital, when they took you into surgery, they came to tell me the extent of your injuries. I collapsed. Danny had to catch me, and help me sit in a chair. I started sobbing. When they said the baby was already gone, I nearly passed out. There was nothing I could do to save our child. I had failed you. The one thing I was supposed to do was protect you and our new child, but I had failed. They went back into your operating room. _

It was here that his writing got a little sloppier. I'm not sure if anybody else would notice it, but I could tell he had had to have another drink to finish writing this part.

_They came back out an hour later, and said you were in cardiac arrest. They couldn't tell me anything else, and ran back into your room. I puked and cried. Then I puked some more. _

I laughed at this because he could normally hold his stomach better than anyone.

_No one would come near me the entire time. They had never seen me like this before. I couldn't explain to them that if you died, my heart would give out. I couldn't, and still can't, live without you. They didn't come back out for nearly an hour. I swear I wore a whole in the floor that night. When they told me your heart had started again, I dropped to my knees. It was then that Dad came near me. He got down on the floor next to me. "She's going to make it through this. After all you two have been through, do you really want to doubt her now?" I simply laughed and shook my head. _

_I have never doubted you since. I knew when everyone said that you were getting cold feet you were just getting restless. _

I laughed and sobbed at the same time; it was true. He knew me better than I knew myself. He confronted me one day and told me to pick a date. He said that once I started planning some of the things I would feel better. It was true.

_My heart broke when you opened your eyes after the surgeries. You looked around the room, found my eyes, and instantly knew we had lost the baby. You burst into tears. I still don't know how you made it through the hospital, and with all of us smothering you. The first time you smiled after that was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I knew that it meant that we would be okay. _

_But we weren't; I screwed it up. And I nearly lost you because of it. After those agonizing hours in the hospital waiting room where I had nearly lost you, it almost ended up being because I was an idiot. Every day that I open my eyes and you're still here I thank God. I nearly pushed you away, but you pulled me back in. You had the grace to knock some sense into me. _

_I guess that what I'm trying to say in all of this is that I love you. Even if I do some awful thing that makes you stop loving me, I will love you until the day I die. You've told me that people can love more than one person in their lives. I know it happened for you, but it won't for me. You're it. You're my one and only. I will never want anybody other than you. So please be careful. Be careful for me, if simply because I can't live without you. I don't want to, and I definitely don't want to try. And every time you think of me, think 'be careful' before you think I love you. Ok? 'Cause I can't bear to loose you. And if it means that you take that one second to be careful rather than thinking I love you, know that it will be ok._

_Love,_

_Me_

**His POV**

I waited to open mine until she opened hers. I laughed when I saw we had written the same exact thing on the front of our envelopes. I took a deep breath, and started to read.

_Babe,_

_I smiled when you asked me to do this. Any time I write something, you always beg to read it. You have no idea how every time you ask that, it only makes me love you more. Even when I think something is terrible, you tell me how you are amazed I can articulate this well. It's silly, I know, but it's the little things like this that I love._

_Do you know that we actually met a few years before our first date? It was when I was with Aaron. We were fighting at that point, and I don't even remember what it was about. In reality, it probably wasn't a fight, just me being unreasonable. I got into a fender bender that day, and you were the responding officer. You asked me out for coffee, and I almost said yes. Did you know that I considered leaving Aaron at that point? You were so handsome, and made me laugh when I felt that bad, that I knew you had to be great. But then Aaron called, and the moment passed. I've never reminded you of that day, because I always think of what would've happened if we had gotten together earlier. I've thought of how much heartbreak it would've saved us both. _

_But then I considered what happened to me in those years between our next meeting. I would not have been able to help Nikki with her Spanish tests, because I would have had no reason to travel to Spain in those years. I wouldn't have been able to save Linda when she was having Jack, because I would not have visited a medical center in Angola. But most of all, I would not have been able to survive through the disasters we've been through together. _

_The next thing I want to say is Thank You. Thank you for everything, and anything. For sharing your scotch at the end of a hard day, for sharing your coffee in the morning, for holding me in the night, for letting me go in the morning. Thank you for loving me, even when you shouldn't. I know I'm not the best person out there, but I have changed. And I changed for you._

_Now I know what you're going to say. "You should never change for a man." I've said it to myself millions (probably trillions) of times. But to be fair, you've made me a better person. You've made me proud to go home again. There were a few years there where I__ was ashamed of going home. I was ruthless in my job, and I let it leak into my personal life. I'm not sure how to say it, but you make me want to be a better person. You and your family make me want to deserve you. (And don't go saying you don't deserve me. We're not doing this cutsie bullshit in these letters.)_

I laughed at this. Even in a letter, she knew how to be frank.

_I can't believe they made us spend the whole day before our wedding apart. Do you know that today was the first day in a long time that I broke out the rabbit? I even had to replace the batteries it was so unused. _

I groaned as my pants became tight. Jesus she never knew what she did to me when she talked like that. Lord knows no one else will ever get to see this letter. I heard her sink to the floor. I sat down, and reached for her hand. This position definitely did not help the situation in my pants, but I would deal with it for her. She simply said, "Keep reading."

_The girls noticed how uptight I was, and how nervous. They finally left about an hour ago. Immediately I went for the rabbit. It was a good thing they took my keys baby, 'cause I almost drove over to your dad's right then and there. I'll tell you more about it after we're married, ok?_

She was trying to kill me. That was the only conclusion I could come to.

_Enough of that for now. I've never told you this hun, but I remember what happened when you rescued me. _

I squeezed her hand. I just needed to feel her if I was going to read this.

_You were shooting at something when Danny cut the ropes off my hands. When I got up, I saw the look in your eyes. It would kill me to do it, but I had to walk to you. I needed to see you. I needed to know I was still alive, that I could live through this. You were in shock, and stood there. I'm glad you did. I did not want to be carried out._

_But then I could feel it; the miscarriage. It was the worst pain I've ever had in my life. After days of being tortured I couldn't handle it. I fell to the ground. I cried out for you just as you reached me. You picked me up and ran to the ambulance. With all that jostling, I passed out in pain. In a way, I'm glad. I didn't have to sit there the entire time praying for our baby. _

_I still have no clue what went on in the waiting room. No one told me, and I was afraid to ask. When I opened my eyes, I just knew. I cried for hours, and you just held me. The next week or so is still fuzzy, but it took a few months for me to smile again. I still remember what it was too. _

_We were at another Sunday dinner. This was my first one out of the hospital. Jack and Sean were playing in the backyard, and I could tell you were watching from the window. You were so overprotective at that point, but I let it go for a while._

I winced at this. She was getting to the point where I almost drove her away.

_The dog you bought for me before everything happened was running around chasing after the kids. You came out and sat next to me. We didn't say a word, but we both knew you were watching to see how I was. After a few minutes, I forgot you were there. I hated that it was that easy, but it was the only way I stayed sane. The dog ran over around the basketball hoop, and Jack and Sean ran in opposite directions to catch it. When they collided I laughed so hard. I laughed so much that it felt like I hadn't laughed before; but in a way, I hadn't. This was a new us, a new me, and I had to learn to live with it. We could never go back, no matter how much we wanted to._

_Everyone was a little more relaxed around me after that; except you. Even when all the wounds had healed, you wouldn't touch me. You wouldn't even let me go back to work; which was the thing that would help me get back to normal the most. Two weeks later I went in anyways. I hurt so much by the time I got there, that they just made me lay on my couch all day. Anna drove me back that day, and no one said a word to you about it. _

_Did you know that was when she started picking me up? I still don't have a quick enough reaction time in that leg if anything were to happen while I was driving. That was also around the time you and I started sharing morning coffees. I think it was about eight months to the day after I got out of the hospital that I gave up. I booked two tickets for France, and waited until you got home. _

_All my bags were packed, and I had most of yours were too. I still remember exactly what I said._

I got home, and she was sitting on one of her suitcases. I thought she was leaving me. "I bought two tickets for France today."

I nodded, "Who are you leaving me for?"

She stood up, "I don't want to leave you. The other ticket is for you. All my stuff is packed." I nodded and she continued, "The plane leaves tomorrow at 8 am. I'm staying at a hotel tonight. If you aren't on the flight, I will not come back."

"What do you mean you won't come back?"

"I've been offered the job to head up the European part of the UN. I told them I wanted a vacation and then I would decide." She cleared her throat, "All of my clothes are in here. The trip is for two weeks. Your boss already knows you might be taking some of your sick days."

"What prompted this?"

I could see the look of defeat in her eyes, "You. You haven't touched me at all since Africa. You won't even talk to me about it. You won't let me talk about it. You're controlling me too much lately. I've been back at work for the last two weeks, and you haven't noticed. I love you more than you know, but I'm not willing to put up with this any more."

"I didn't mean to-"

She cut me off, "I know. That's the problem." She took the ring that I had given her in Africa off, and sat it on the table next to her.

She walked up to me, kissed me on the cheek, told me she loved me, and walked out the door. I sat down and balled the entire night. I have never cried so much in my life, except when it comes to her.

I cried and drank until 5 am. I put everything I thought I would need into a suitcase not realizing she had already packed it, and took a taxi to the airport. I nearly missed the flight too. They closed the doors right after I boarded.

I sat down next to her, "Is this seat taken miss?"

She smiled, "Not anymore it isn't."

An hour or so into the flight she spoke again, "Don't give the ring back to me. You are not allowed to give it back to me for a year. You can't even mention getting married for a year. If, at the end of that year, you decide you can't live with a person who has been through so many things, you can leave, you can even leave before then. But I don't want to see that ring until the year is up."

_It killed me to do that. But a year later, I woke up one morning, and the ring was back on my finger, just like everything was back to normal. You proposed to me again over breakfast. I cried that morning when I knew I had you for life._

_Baby, what I'm trying to say is we can make it through anything. I know you still worry that I loved Aaron more than I love you, but that's not true. I loved what I got to be with him. I loved how he made me feel, how he treasured me. I did love him, and I always will, but I love you so much more. What I feel for you is this all encompassing, heart breaking, mind blowing, messy, complicated, intricate love for you. And it's only for you. I already know I have you for life babe, but know that I'm yours for life too. I will never be another person's love again, because I am your life, as you are mine._

_I love you hun, and I always will,_

_Me._

My voice was hoarse, "Have you finished yet?"

Yours is too, "Yeah." You let go of my hand to stand up.

I leaned my head against the door, "I really need to kiss you right now."

"You can't." I almost cried out at those words, "You can't see me."

I stood for a few minutes like that, "Close your eyes. I'll close mine too." I put one hand over my eyes, "Now give me your hand." I stepped around the door, and grabbed your hand. "Stay still." I followed your hand up to your face. I leaned you against the door, and kissed you as hard as I could. We made out like teenagers, and it was perfect.

After a few minutes you pulled away, "What time is it? Don't we have to walk down the aisle?"

I laughed, "I'm perfectly fine with going to the courthouse later. I'm kissing you now." I gave you a small kiss on your lips, and I could feel you smile.

"No, come on. Turn around so I can open the door."

I kissed you one more time and complied.

"Ok, I've moved the door in front of me. You can leave now."

I opened my eyes and did. Right before you shut the door I turned around. I caught a glimpse of your face in the mirror, and you smiled back to me. I mouthed, "I love you," and turned away.

Months later when we looked at the pictures, my favorite was me kissing you with my hand over my eyes, leaning you against the doorway. You cheated and had yours open.

Years later when we showed this picture to our kids, they all said I was the best daddy on earth.

* * *

It was about twenty years after our wedding. I was in the hospital, and could barely breathe. You leaned in, and whispered into my ear, "I love you hun, and I always will. It's ok to let go if you need to."

They rolled me into surgery to remove the bullet. Right before they closed the door on you, I looked you in the eyes, and mouthed, "I love you." The next time you read my letter was at my eulogy.


End file.
